The Hardest Thing About Writing

The hardest thing about writing is feeling like the words don't simply flow from my mind to ink and paper (or computer as it is these days). Some days I feel creative and other days not so much, but I like to believe that I'm filled with words that need to come out, words that are creative and important, words that move people in a way that music does for others.

I have always loved to write. I remember the first creative writing course I took in high school. My teacher encouraged me, inspired me, challenged the way I wrote. She pushed me to go beyond what I thought I could do to create in a way I didn't realize was possible. She managed to tap into that creative part of my sould. The deepest part that sometimes has a hard time expressing itself.

Over the years writing has become more challenging, and it feels less creative. I have often wondered if my life is not as inspiriting as it once was, or if the way I tapped into that creativity changed when light came into the dark places of my life. I know that in some of my darker moments in life, I have found my writing to be the most creative, but it is also the most dark, and sad. As God brought light into those dark places of my life I felt like my writing became too forced and frilly, it was no longer the raw, unfiltered stuff.

Over time I have come to say that I just don't have time to write like I use to, but the reality is that I'm afraid to write. Afraid that I'm no longer the creative person I once was. Afraid that my words are dry and that I have nothing to say. Afraid that my writing won't be as good as it once was. I have found many excuses to keep me from writing, to keep me from creating, and growing in my abilities.

No more excuses. The hardest thing about writing is myself. I need to get out of my own way, step aside, write, and allow my thoughts to flow without editing what comes out. I have been inspired to write again and encouraged as I have found writing challenges that inspire me and give me a diving board to spring from. Now I'm on the platform, stepping forward, and jumping in. Head first, eyes closed, fingers free to type.

If I Truly Played the Guitar...

If I truly played the guitar, I would feel on top of the world. I would sing as if no one was watching me, and allow my soul to dance free.

Although I might look awkward with a guitar half the size of my body, I would feel confident. I would be that person that I admire. The one who holds her guitar with confidence, and plays as if no one is watching. The girl who creates from the inner depths of her soul. The girl who explores through a world of music. The girl whose music taps into the souls of her listeners. The girl who plays because she feels moved in a way that can only be expressed through her music.

If I truly played the guitar, I would be so excited.

Until that day comes, I'll continue to tinker my tunes, and sing to myself. Because even though I'm not that girl who truly plays the guitar, I feel the passion of the music that excites my soul and makes me want to create a world of music. A world were I can be lost in the adventure of the tunes.

I Had Been Here Before

Source: "Tracks"

I had been here before, a long time ago. Wandering down a path that felt aimless. My bones ached. The pain reminded me of the rusty railways that had slowly overtime grown old, and no longer used. I continued walking down the path, searching for something familiar, something that could anchor me to this place, something that could tell me why I was walking down this path to begin with? Finally, I recognize the bend in the tracks. I raced to the turn thinking I knew what was around the corner, only to find that when I arrived I was still wandering down the tracks. What I thought was familiar was something new, something unknown. So here I am, facing the unknown before me, taking a deep breath, and continuing down the tracks. Maybe I’ll find a penny along the way.

Prompt - "Build Your Own" at The Daily Post 

Because He Loves Me

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." ~ Galatians 2:20

Years ago I had a dream where I was laying against a large wooden post on the ground. My arms were being streached and tied to the wooden post that laid horizontal at the top of the other wooden beam, and I realized that I was laying on the cross. In my dream I looked over toward my left hand as a man was placing a metal stake into the palm of my hand and as he swung the hammer down on the stake I was immediately standing next to the the cross watching as Jesus' hand was nailed to the cross. I stood there with tears in my eyes, feeling the pain that Jesus suffered, and realized that he took my place on that cross.

The images of that dream remain vivid in my mind, and have serve as a constant reminder of the sacrifice that Jesus made on my behalf. He gave himself for me so that I might live because he loves me.

There are days when I question what living fully means, and what does it look like on a daily basis. It's easy to get caught up in the mundane things in life, or to get stuck in a pattern. But when that happens how does one fully live?

As I look at my life, I find that living fully is being in the present moment, yet listening for the ways God is calling me. I find that lately it's in the few quiet moments I sneek in between the kids naps, and moments of standing alone in my driveway looking up at the night sky and finding solace in God's creation. I may be small compared to the night sky, but God's love for me is so great.

I was once told that faith is believing in what I cannot see. I may never see all there is to see in this life, or fully understand the things in this life, but it's by faith that I can live life to it's fullest and explore the gift Jesus gave me as he took my place on that cross.

Set Apart

"But when God, who set me apart from my mother's womb and called me by his grace, was pleased to reveal his Son in me so that I might preach him among the Gentiles, my immediate response was not to consult any human being." ~ Galatians 1:15-16

I often go about my days forgetting how God has chosen me, and has set me apart from the time I was in my mother's womb. I wonder how many other people, like me, get caught up in the hussle of life and don't take the time to fully absorb the fact that God loves us so much that he chose us first.

What does it mean to be chosen? As a child, my memories of being "chosen" were not positive. For many reasons unknown to me, I was often chosen last in a line up. I despised waiting to be called because I always knew I would be chosen last or close to last, and I often felt embarrassed as if there was something wrong with me. Yet I was always hopeful that maybe someone would call my name, and maybe someone would choose me first.

In middle school I went bowling with my youth group, and after scoring the lowest score my youth leader said, "Lisa, the first shall be last and the last shall be first." Those words remained with me to this day as he told me about  the parable of the workers in the vineyard  - Matthew 10:16. I always held on to that knowledge with the anticipation that one day I would be chosen first, and that to Jesus there is no first and last, but equals.

As I read this verse in Galatians, I was reminded that I have been chosen first because God chose me, even before I could chose him. He chose me in my mother's womb, and set me apart to do great things. Although there are times when I doubt myself and lack the confidence I need, I know God desires great things for my life, and he has equiped me to preach among the nations - however that looks. It's taken me many years to realize that I am a leader. For years I was comfortable simply following because I had allowed my surroundings to define me as a follower and as one chosen last. Yet God continues to choose me first. He picks me up, dusts me off, and makes me sparkle like a treasure, because in his eyes I am a treasure. He created me to preach his word, and to be a voice for those who have yet to find their voices. I am a leader, and each day I continue to discover my own voice and abilities as I let God define who I am, chosen and loved, and precious in His sight.

New Life and New Beginnings

On September 6, 2012 Micah Wesley Quirk Nelson was born at 7:10pm

He is a new joy in our lives and we are so grateful he has arrived and is part of our family. My pregnancy with him was challenging, and I was on bed rest at 33 weeks for preterm labor. Thankfully he held on until almost 39 weeks. We went to the hospital aruond 10 am because I was having contractions but still not regular enough for active labor. So we went in so I could be checked. My cervix was 6 cm dialated and 70% effaced. The nurses decided to have me walk around for an hour and then checked me again. I was now almost 7 cm, 75% effaced and still not in active labor. They had me walk another hour and I was then a full 7 cm and still not in active labor. Because I wanted to labor naturally, they thought about sending us home until I went into active labor. Chris and I had discussed with our doula the options we had for inducing labor because I was exhausted. After weeks of laboring at home, my body was tired and I was ready to deliver. So we discussed with our doctor the posibility of starting pitocen to keep my contractions coming regular, and at 4pm the pitocen started. I was grateful to kickstart labor since it was clear my body was ready. After a couple hours I was ready to begin pushing. During a few of the contractions Dr. O'Connell told me not to push, as Micah was coming out, he was twisted in the umbilical cord. He was so twisted that they thought that was the cause of my body not staying in active labor. I remember at one point the doctor said, "we have one shoulder." During labor I kept thinking "why is there only one?" But thankfully after Micah was untwisted and a couple more contractions, he had arrived!

In some ways labor felt easier because I was in active labor for only three hours, although I didn't have any food in my body to fuel me for the labor process, so I was so glad to eat after delivery! Micah was born at 7:10pm, he was 8lbs. 6 oz. and 20.25 inches long. He was a big boy! Thankfully I was able to labor naturally with him with a little kickstart of pitocen to help us along.

Malia is enjoying being a big sister! She is absolutely amazing too! She has taken very good care of Micah and loves to teach him all the things she is learning and tries to comfort him when he is upset. She is proud to be a big sister and takes her role very serious. One morning she came running into Chris' and my bedroom and yelled, "mommy daddy, baby Micah smiled at me!" She was so excited that he recognized her and gave her a big smile.

Our friend Tomek took some pictures of us at Garden of the Gods when Micah was about 5 weeks old.  Tomek took some amazing pictures and we are so thankful! Most people know I love pictures, and I love them even more when they are pictures of my family. I feel so blessed to have a wonderful husband and two sweet children that I get to have a fun time with. I couldn't ask for a better family. 

I love this picture above because Malia is kissing her daddy and the kissing camels are in the background! But she was also rubbing Micah's head to ease his crying. She has such a sweet spirit and is so loving!

Malia is almost 3 1/2 years old! She is constantly talking as she learns so many new words each day. She always surprises us. It's amazing to think she use to be as small as Micah... actually smaller since he was so big at birth! Now she's a little girl and growing up so much. She loves lollipops... in case you couldn't tell by the picture! She loves to play outside in the dirt, run, and explore, and she loves to dress up as a princess too. She's our little girly girl who plays in the mud! Although she doesn't like to be called a little girl, and always tells us, "I a big girl now, I not a little girl." 

So we are entering a new stage of life again. It seems like things are always changing when you have kids. Each stage of life goes by quickly, and thankfully when we are in the middle of it it seems to last forever. Micah is now 8 weeks old, and at his 2 month doctor visit we discovered he is the average height of a 5 month old! He's growing quickly, and he's healthy and strong. He's already pushing up with his arms when he is on his tummy! The doctor was amazed and said they like to see that when they are 4 months old! So Micah is doing great!

When Micah is awake he is very alert. He loves to watch us and began tracking with his eyes early on. He also often turns his head to follow our voices. He's become good friends with our cat Zola, since she likes to sleep in his crib every chance she gets. There have been many times where I have been nursing Micah and Zola will jump up and brush her tail against his head. They've become pretty good friends. Micah likes our dog Roxy too, although she's not as interested in Micah as Zola has been. I'm sure once Micah is older Roxy will have another little one chasing her around the house. 

I am thankful for new life and new beginnings. I don't know what the Lord has in store for us as we move forward in life, but I trust that all these new beginnings will bring new adventures as we journey through life together. 

Summer in Full Swing

It's already July and some days I wonder how it is that time seems to go by so fast. It felt like summer began in April because of the heat... of course I'm pregnant so everything feels hot! Yes, we are expecting our second baby... It's a BOY! Malia constantly talks about her baby brother and often gives my belly hugs and kisses. She's thrilled to be a big sister! Now we just have to wait for his arrival which will be sometime mid September. 

 29 Weeks Pregnant

Malia likes to stand by me for pictures!

So this summer is a hot one. Not to mention that the temperatures have been extremely hot too!

Summer began when we went to Connecticut to celebrate Malia's 3rd birthday with her great-grandma Ruth (who turned older on the same day). 

Malia and Great-Grandma Ruth 

We spent a week in Connecticut visiting Chris' grandparents and other family relatives while trying to escape some of the summer heat. Sadly even when it rained there it got humid because it was so hot! But we enjoyed exploring the Hartford Children's Museum, the Carosel Museum, walking to the lake by the house, and playing with neighbor kids. Malia also got to play with her cousins Camryn and Cody, which she loved! Overall we had a wonderful trip and enjoyed the time we got to spend with family, but we were happy to get home and rest in our own beds. 

However, arriving home was not as restful as we had planned. Throughout May I had been on a heart medication to control what's called supraventricular tachycardia (SVT). Basically my heart would race between 160-190 beats per minute. This is something I've had my entire life, but it was first mis-diagnosed as epilepsy. So we discovered at the beginning of May after my first trip to the Emergency Department that I have had this heart arrhythmia my entire life. So after being seen for the second time in the ER in May, I had a follow up with my cardiologist after we got back from Connecticut, and after a long discussion with him and my OB doctor, they decided the safest course of action for both the baby and me was to stop the medication (which my body was not responding to) and go ahead with surgery. This decision was taking into account the many other times I had gone into SVT, and my heart would not stop racing as well as other health factors. 

So June started off with having a catheter ablation procedure on my heart. Obviously being pregnant, I was scared, but thankfully since the procedure I have been feeling better than I did before! Hopefully I won't have to deal with any more svt's! During the procedure I knew the baby was safe because I could feel him moving the entire time! He's an active little guy! 

Three weeks after surgery, Colorado Springs experienced a major wildfire that started in Waldo Canyon. Sadly this fire grew rapidly and on Tuesday June 26, we had to be evacuated from our home. The weather changed and with it came a 65 mile an our gust of wind that sent the fire up over the canyon and into a neighborhood close to ours. The sky turned a blood red orange and ash began falling on our property. Below is a picture I took from Malia's bedroom Window (sorry about the flash).

We safely evacuated our home and stayed at our friends home for the remainder of the week. It was difficult to be away, but I can't imagine how difficult it was for the families who had to leave their homes for much longer, and some who have no homes to return to. As we drove out of our Rockrimmon neighborhood and looked back toward the mountains we could see the fires on the hillside. The view brought me to tears. There are no words to describe the deep sadness I felt as I saw our beautiful mountains on fire. The very same mountains I often look at and give thanks to God for the   amazing beauty I get to look at everyday. 

It's been a little over a week since we evacuated our home, and thankfully the fire become more contained by our firefighters every day. We are thankful to be home, and to have a home still standing since so many families lost their homes. We are fortunate and blessed. 

Since returning home, it's been a busy week of getting many things ready for my upcoming ordination. Yes, next Saturday July 14 at 2pm is my ordination in the Presbyterian Church (USA). I'm amazed this day is almost here. It's been a long journey, and I'm excited to see that a new adventure will begin following this ordination. Who knows where God will lead me in ministry and lead us as a family. 

Summer has been in full swing since it first began, and we still have a couple of months to go! Hopefully after my ordination we will have a few weeks of quiet as we prepare for the arrival of our son. Life never has a dull moment.