Haiku

Spinning around
I seem to fall up not down
Is the world upside down?

Why does God want me in Russia now?

Why does God want me in Russia now?

Over ten years ago I woke up from a dream. In my dream I saw myself at an orphanage in Russia and working with children. The pictures in my dream were so vivid, the building, and tires on the property stuck out to me when I awoke. I remember waking from this dream and thinking, "Okay God, Russia?" I knew this dream was something from God, but I didn't know what it meant so I went on with my life.

I moved away from Hawaii and went to seminary in California. This dream never really came up again until after I graduated and we moved to Colorado. We started attending a church and one of our first Sunday's visiting there was a group of people who had just gotten back from Russia. They were sharing pictures of the orphanage they were at and stories of their travels. I sat in my chair covered with goose bumps. I had this feeling God was working somehow.

Almost five years have gone by since that Sunday, and I have not been to Russia. I wanted to go many times with the teams that were traveling, but each time, it was clear that it was not my time to travel.

This morning I shared this story with a friend of mine at church, and she asked me the question, "why does God want you to go to Russia now?" This question has been circling in my head all day. Why now? What does God want me to do, see, experience? It was very clear when I was praying about this trip that now is the time to go. After the initial meeting for information about the nature of this trip, every night for a week God spoke to me through very vivid dreams. I know He wants me to be in Russia at this time, but I don't know why. Why now of all the times?

I'm excited to travel, and I leave in one week from today. I don't know what to expect, but I do expect God to show up in some amazing ways. I pray that He is opening a door for me. A door to someplace He is leading me, and my family. An experience that will change me forever.

I want to see Russia through God's eyes.

So God, what do you want me to see? Why do you want me in Russia now?

The Hardest Thing About Writing

The hardest thing about writing is feeling like the words don't simply flow from my mind to ink and paper (or computer as it is these days). Some days I feel creative and other days not so much, but I like to believe that I'm filled with words that need to come out, words that are creative and important, words that move people in a way that music does for others.

I have always loved to write. I remember the first creative writing course I took in high school. My teacher encouraged me, inspired me, challenged the way I wrote. She pushed me to go beyond what I thought I could do to create in a way I didn't realize was possible. She managed to tap into that creative part of my sould. The deepest part that sometimes has a hard time expressing itself.

Over the years writing has become more challenging, and it feels less creative. I have often wondered if my life is not as inspiriting as it once was, or if the way I tapped into that creativity changed when light came into the dark places of my life. I know that in some of my darker moments in life, I have found my writing to be the most creative, but it is also the most dark, and sad. As God brought light into those dark places of my life I felt like my writing became too forced and frilly, it was no longer the raw, unfiltered stuff.

Over time I have come to say that I just don't have time to write like I use to, but the reality is that I'm afraid to write. Afraid that I'm no longer the creative person I once was. Afraid that my words are dry and that I have nothing to say. Afraid that my writing won't be as good as it once was. I have found many excuses to keep me from writing, to keep me from creating, and growing in my abilities.

No more excuses. The hardest thing about writing is myself. I need to get out of my own way, step aside, write, and allow my thoughts to flow without editing what comes out. I have been inspired to write again and encouraged as I have found writing challenges that inspire me and give me a diving board to spring from. Now I'm on the platform, stepping forward, and jumping in. Head first, eyes closed, fingers free to type.

If I Truly Played the Guitar...

If I truly played the guitar, I would feel on top of the world. I would sing as if no one was watching me, and allow my soul to dance free.

Although I might look awkward with a guitar half the size of my body, I would feel confident. I would be that person that I admire. The one who holds her guitar with confidence, and plays as if no one is watching. The girl who creates from the inner depths of her soul. The girl who explores through a world of music. The girl whose music taps into the souls of her listeners. The girl who plays because she feels moved in a way that can only be expressed through her music.

If I truly played the guitar, I would be so excited.

Until that day comes, I'll continue to tinker my tunes, and sing to myself. Because even though I'm not that girl who truly plays the guitar, I feel the passion of the music that excites my soul and makes me want to create a world of music. A world were I can be lost in the adventure of the tunes.

I Had Been Here Before

Source: "Tracks"

I had been here before, a long time ago. Wandering down a path that felt aimless. My bones ached. The pain reminded me of the rusty railways that had slowly overtime grown old, and no longer used. I continued walking down the path, searching for something familiar, something that could anchor me to this place, something that could tell me why I was walking down this path to begin with? Finally, I recognize the bend in the tracks. I raced to the turn thinking I knew what was around the corner, only to find that when I arrived I was still wandering down the tracks. What I thought was familiar was something new, something unknown. So here I am, facing the unknown before me, taking a deep breath, and continuing down the tracks. Maybe I’ll find a penny along the way.

Prompt - "Build Your Own" at The Daily Post 

Because He Loves Me

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." ~ Galatians 2:20

Years ago I had a dream where I was laying against a large wooden post on the ground. My arms were being streached and tied to the wooden post that laid horizontal at the top of the other wooden beam, and I realized that I was laying on the cross. In my dream I looked over toward my left hand as a man was placing a metal stake into the palm of my hand and as he swung the hammer down on the stake I was immediately standing next to the the cross watching as Jesus' hand was nailed to the cross. I stood there with tears in my eyes, feeling the pain that Jesus suffered, and realized that he took my place on that cross.

The images of that dream remain vivid in my mind, and have serve as a constant reminder of the sacrifice that Jesus made on my behalf. He gave himself for me so that I might live because he loves me.

There are days when I question what living fully means, and what does it look like on a daily basis. It's easy to get caught up in the mundane things in life, or to get stuck in a pattern. But when that happens how does one fully live?

As I look at my life, I find that living fully is being in the present moment, yet listening for the ways God is calling me. I find that lately it's in the few quiet moments I sneek in between the kids naps, and moments of standing alone in my driveway looking up at the night sky and finding solace in God's creation. I may be small compared to the night sky, but God's love for me is so great.

I was once told that faith is believing in what I cannot see. I may never see all there is to see in this life, or fully understand the things in this life, but it's by faith that I can live life to it's fullest and explore the gift Jesus gave me as he took my place on that cross.

Set Apart

"But when God, who set me apart from my mother's womb and called me by his grace, was pleased to reveal his Son in me so that I might preach him among the Gentiles, my immediate response was not to consult any human being." ~ Galatians 1:15-16

I often go about my days forgetting how God has chosen me, and has set me apart from the time I was in my mother's womb. I wonder how many other people, like me, get caught up in the hussle of life and don't take the time to fully absorb the fact that God loves us so much that he chose us first.

What does it mean to be chosen? As a child, my memories of being "chosen" were not positive. For many reasons unknown to me, I was often chosen last in a line up. I despised waiting to be called because I always knew I would be chosen last or close to last, and I often felt embarrassed as if there was something wrong with me. Yet I was always hopeful that maybe someone would call my name, and maybe someone would choose me first.

In middle school I went bowling with my youth group, and after scoring the lowest score my youth leader said, "Lisa, the first shall be last and the last shall be first." Those words remained with me to this day as he told me about  the parable of the workers in the vineyard  - Matthew 10:16. I always held on to that knowledge with the anticipation that one day I would be chosen first, and that to Jesus there is no first and last, but equals.

As I read this verse in Galatians, I was reminded that I have been chosen first because God chose me, even before I could chose him. He chose me in my mother's womb, and set me apart to do great things. Although there are times when I doubt myself and lack the confidence I need, I know God desires great things for my life, and he has equiped me to preach among the nations - however that looks. It's taken me many years to realize that I am a leader. For years I was comfortable simply following because I had allowed my surroundings to define me as a follower and as one chosen last. Yet God continues to choose me first. He picks me up, dusts me off, and makes me sparkle like a treasure, because in his eyes I am a treasure. He created me to preach his word, and to be a voice for those who have yet to find their voices. I am a leader, and each day I continue to discover my own voice and abilities as I let God define who I am, chosen and loved, and precious in His sight.